Hi! Gotta write this fast because I'm at a library and it's closing in about five minutes! I'm having a lot of fun here! It's like Hippie Bootcamp for me, though. I've been eating almost purely vegan, organic food, and getting lots of exercise hiking.
[i]THE GIRL IN THE CLOSET... A YOUNG WOMAN WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND HER ONGOING JOURNEY TO COPE WITH HER DISABILITY AND FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD.
HERE IT GOES...[/i]
Dear faithful readers (or reader)
Tomorrow is the big day! I am leaving in the morning on a Greyhound trip to California to visit my younger brother. I will stay with him for about 20 days. Then we will both take an airplane back to Illinois. My brother will stay and visit with our parents, but I will be getting on another plane to go to Maine and volunteer at Camp To Belong.
I am excited but nervous! Transitions like this are HORRIBLE for me!
By transitions, I mean, it is very hard for me to be here right now, knowing that tomorrow I am going to be getting on a Greyhound bus and leaving for a month. My stomach is flopping. I perseverate on leaving. I tell myself I don't want to go. I think about cancelling the whole trip. I try to encourage myself, and tell myself everything will be okay.
I am not really SCARED of anything about the triP! Last summer I took a Greyhound to see my brother, and I loved it! I loved the Greyhound ride itself, and I loved visiting my brother, and I loved California. So really, there's no rhyme or reason for my nervousness.
But that's just how I am! I am scared of changes! I am scared of being somewhere else besides right here.
I experience a milder version of this fear even when I have to go to the store or to visit a friend.
Once I get there, I am always fine. I know this for a fact.
A moment before I get on the Greyhound bus, I will be panicking, possibly crying, freaking out.
Fifteen minutes later, when I am seated on the bus, listening to my headphones and sucking on a Dum-Dum, I will be absolutely happy and content.
I will memorize my ticket schedule. I will learn where we will stop each time and for how long. I will look forward to wandering around inside different bus stations in different cities.
Then, when the bus gets to California, I will get nervous again! I will not want to get OFF the bus! the bus will have become my safety zone! I will not be sure I am ready for the big three week visit with my brother! I will feel like crying. I will tell myself, "You can take another bus trip soon!" I will feel like I'm very emotionally attatched to the pattern on the bus seat. I will worry that I won't see that rainbow pattern when I wake up tomorrow!
Then I will get off the bus. I will see my brother. I will start to be happy about being in California. I will adjust quickly to his house.
Three weeks will pass. It will be time to go back to Illinois. I will be crying, walking around the house, thinking about how I will never see the house again! I will get nervous and call my mom and tell her how upset I am. I will perseverate on how I don't want to leave California. California will be my new home. I will be crushed to leave it!
And so on... and so on...
Why do I even put myself through all this chaos? I will never know.
Anyway, I will try to update this journal whenever I have access to a computer during my trip!
[i]THE GIRL IN THE CLOSET... A YOUNG WOMAN WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND HER ONGOING JOURNEY TO COPE WITH HER DISABILITY AND FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD.[/i]
HERE IT GOES...
Today I went to my aunt's house to spend time with my little cousins, Kaylie and Lucas. Kaylie is 2, and Lucas is a newborn. My aunt is only 9 years older than me, so we somewhat grew up together, and I'm really close to her kids. Especially Kaylie.
Kaylie was a long-awaited child who we all feared might never come. When she finally did get born, I was the happiest person in the world! My mom and I went to the hospital to see her, and my aunt and her husband had just finished the team effort of changing the baby's diapers, but they were too nervous to pick her up off the changing table. (Being first-time parents, and all that.) So I walked over and picked the baby up in my arms. Her huge, deep blue eyes opened wide and she peered up at me, and her eyes stayed locked on mine the whole time I held her. My aunt said that was the longest she'd seen the baby keep her eyes open so far!
Me and Kaylie always had this special connection, somehow. My grandparents are old now, so my mom feels like she should act as the grandmother for Kaylie and Lucas. So we have special toys at our house just for Kaylie to play with, and special cups and silverware for her, and a baby swimming pool for her, and a blow-up mattress for when she sleeps over.
I felt bad though because Lucas is two months old now, and I hadn't even seen him since he was a few days old. When Kaylie was born I was always over there at least once a week, but lately I haven't been. So today I spent the whole day there. We went to the park and I played on the playground with Kaylie, then came back and played in the sandbox with her, had lunch, helped put her to sleep, and then finally played with Lucas for a while. (Kaylie is really jealous of Lucas so I couldn't spend much time with him while she was awake, or she'd get upset!) I brought my mom's digital camera and took some 2-minute movies of them playing.
I am glad I have Kaylie and Lucas in my life. I feel bad for my little brother, because he lives in California and has only seen Kaylie one or two times in her whole life. He'll always be a stranger to her. But my brother, he doesn't care about stuff like that anyway...
[i]THE GIRL IN THE CLOSET... A YOUNG WOMAN WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND HER ONGOING JOURNEY TO COPE WITH HER DISABILITY AND FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD.
CHARACTERS YOU'LL MEET ALONG THE WAY: Angel (author of the blog) Age 25. and has Asperger's Syndrome.
Caroline, Angel's best friend.
Johnny, Caroline's husband and Angel's other best friend.
Alexander, Caroline's 7-year-old son and Angel's "nephew".
Codie, Caroline's baby daughter and Angel's "niece"[/i]
HERE IT GOES...
So! I am going through this dilemna where I really want to go volunteer at this camp in Maine, which is for children in foster care to reunite with their siblings for one week. I have signed up and was accepted. The dilemna is that my mom was giving me a really cold shoulder about it and driving me emotionally crazy. Then I learned that the only reason she doesn't want me to go is because it will cost $250 for the plane ticket, and she thinks I should be saving every penny of my money. Of course it was perfectly okay for me to spend money on taking the bus to California to see my brother. There were no objections to that. She even payed for both of us to come back to Illinois on a plane and for my brother to take a plane back to California after his visit. But it is a mortal zin for me to spend some money to do volunteer work!
I had written extensively about this problem on the Aspie Hangout message board that I go to. And the people there wrote back to me, and gave me such kind and encouraging words and advice and empathy. It was amazing! It is funny how we, the people with Asperger's Syndrome, are thought of in the medical and special ed community as being people who CANNOT empathize with other humans, who would PREFER not to have friends, who DO NOT understand emotions... Yet on a message board specifically for people with Asperger's, many of us turn to each other for empathy and support because we cannot get these things from the "NT's" in our everyday lives. A group of people who probably have never met in person, and whose one thing in common is the very mental disorder that is supposed to isolate them from others, are able to show each other so much kindness and love.
PSYCHIATRISTS AND DOCTORS OF THE WORLD, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT [b]THAT?????[/b]
[i]THE GIRL IN THE CLOSET... A YOUNG WOMAN WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND HER ONGOING JOURNEY TO COPE WITH HER DISABILITY AND FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD.
CHARACTERS YOU'LL MEET ALONG THE WAY: Angel (author of the blog) Age 25. and has Asperger's Syndrome.
Caroline, Angel's best friend.
Johnny, Caroline's husband and Angel's other best friend.
Alexander, Caroline's 7-year-old son and Angel's "nephew".
Codie, Caroline's baby daughter and Angel's "niece"[/i]
HERE IT GOES...
I finally went to the doctor today. Even though I am feeling a little better today, I thought it would be best to get some medicine to make it all go away, since I'm so prone to colds that linger on forever. I got ten days worth of Amoxocillin, plus eye drops to clear up the stuff leaking out of my eyes!
On the way home from the doctor I stopped in the Barrington Library to look for a book my little brother wants me to read. They didn't have it. That's not important. The important part is, as I was walking in, two highschool-aged girls were using the computer, and as I walked past, they turned around and started giggling hysterically. Coincedence? I think not. I had to come to the conclusion that they were laughing at me, but why? Maybe my hair was messy. Maybe I was staring into space and walking with my head cocked at a weird angle. Who knows? When they laughed at me I felt like going up to them and saying something like, "What's the problem, [i]children[/i]?"
[i]THE GIRL IN THE CLOSET... A YOUNG WOMAN WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND HER ONGOING JOURNEY TO COPE WITH HER DISABILITY AND FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD.
CHARACTERS YOU'LL MEET ALONG THE WAY: Angel (author of the blog) Age 25. and has Asperger's Syndrome.
Caroline, Angel's best friend.
Johnny, Caroline's husband and Angel's other best friend.
Alexander, Caroline's 7-year-old son and Angel's "nephew".
Codie, Caroline's baby daughter and Angel's "niece"[/i]
HERE IT GOES...
I am sick today still. Sicker than ever. I have snot leaking out my nose, ears and eye sockets. For real. Cannot get an appointment with my doctor until tomorrow at 11:15. Slept until 2 pm today and am still drowsy!
For this reason, I am going to cut this journal entry short, and go rest.
[i]THE GIRL IN THE CLOSET... A YOUNG WOMAN WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND HER ONGOING JOURNEY TO COPE WITH HER DISABILITY AND FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD.
CHARACTERS YOU'LL MEET ALONG THE WAY: Angel (author of the blog) Age 25. and has Asperger's Syndrome.
Caroline, Angel's best friend.
Johnny, Caroline's husband and Angel's other best friend.
Alexander, Caroline's 7-year-old son and Angel's "nephew".
Codie, Caroline's baby daughter and Angel's "niece"[/i]
HERE IT GOES...
I was planning to leave Sunday on the Greyhound bus to go visit my younger brother in California. I wanted to leave from Elgin since it is a nicer and smaller bus station than the one I left from last year (Chicago) and my dad said he'd be able to give me a ride to Elgin on Sunday morning. Well you can't buy tickets online for the Elgin bus station, so I had to drive to Elgin personally to buy the ticket.
First of all, I couldn't even FIND the bus station for about two hours! I knew the address, and I had the directions, but you know how terrible I am with directions, and it was a downtown area with all sorts of one way streets and everything else. I drove past the bus station about twenty times without realizing it, before I finally pulled into a parking lot and asked a passer-byer for directions.
They don't have a real Greyhound station even. You have to go into a candy store to buy the ticket.
And the candy store man told me that I should leave on Monday morning instead of Sunday morning. He said I could save $75 if I took the bus on Monday instead of Sunday. Prices are higher on the weekends, PLUS you get a discount if you buy seven days ahead of time. So the guy talked me into buying the Monday ticket and saving $75.
Unfortunately, I forgot that I won't really have a way to GET to Elgin on a Monday morning. I can't drive my own car there because I'd have to leave it for three whole weeks, and there's no place to really leave it even if I wanted to. My dad can't drive me on Monday morning because he will have to work. I THOUGHT that there was a city bus that could take me to Elgin, but it turned out that bus only runs during express hours and wouldn't be able to get me to Elgin on time on Monday morning.
So now I'm wondering: HOW did I get myself into this? Because the man was explaining it to me, and I got confused and panicked and forgot my whole plan was to leave on Sunday morning so I could have a ride. Being a true Aspie, I just panicked and went with the first thing that came to mind, and took the Monday ticket.
My final choices are, I could either get a taxi from here to Elgin on Monday morning (desparately hoping the taxi really shows up on time), OR I could take a Metra train to the city, cross the street, take another Metra train back to Elgin, cross the street again, and get on the Greyhound bus, (Which will actually cross through the city on it's way out of the state!)
What to do, what to do...
In a similarly flustering event, on my way back from Elgin after buying the offending ticket, I came upon a toll booth. There was nobody at the toll booth. It was the little kind, where there's just one lane and you're supposed to toss your coins into the basket and drive through.
Well I spaced out driving up to the toll booth, and didn't take the time I needed to PREPARE for the big event of tossing the coins into the basket. I didn't open my window soon enough. I didn't pick out the right amount of change soon enough. I didn't even pull up to the stupid basket close enough!
I found myself stopped in the toll booth, scrambling to get ready for the big moment, and I saw someone behind me waiting. I got nervous that they might beep their horn at me.
So I panicked, and drove through the toll booth without paying!
[i]THE GIRL IN THE CLOSET... A YOUNG WOMAN WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND HER ONGOING JOURNEY TO COPE WITH HER DISABILITY AND FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD.
CHARACTERS YOU'LL MEET ALONG THE WAY: Angel (author of the blog) Age 25. and has Asperger's Syndrome.
Caroline, Angel's best friend.
Johnny, Caroline's husband and Angel's other best friend.
Alexander, Caroline's 7-year-old son and Angel's "nephew".
Codie, Caroline's baby daughter and Angel's "niece"[/i]
HERE IT GOES...
Technically I am supposed to be cleaning my room right now, but that is very boring, so I'm taking a break to tell about the Wristband Campaign (aka Asperger's Passport Campaign) I read about on a website last night.
I found a website called Aspergia, as a link to another webjournal about Aspergers that I was reading. Aspergia is supposed to be a mythical made-up land where people with Asperger's come from. A lot of Aspie's actually hate this site, I found out later. They think it is "self-indulgent". But I sort of liked it!
Anyway, the wristband campaign encourages people with Asperger's Syndrome to make or find a plain orange wristband and wear it all the time. Then if two people wearing orange wristbands see each other, they can silently acknowledge that they aren't so alone in the world. They wouldn't have to instantly become friends or anything. Maybe just nod knowingly to each other.
I found this idea after I was looking at T-shirts sold at Cafepress where you can actually buy a T-shirt that says something like, "I am Autistic!" I was looking for an Aspie T-shirt with a more subtle message on it, but I couldn't find much. I liked the ones that said "Aspies Rule!" on the back, but I didn't like the messages on the fronts so much. I would like one that simply says "Aspies Rule!" on the front. That would be cool.
Anyway, so if you are ever out and you see someone wearing an orange wristband, it could be me! Or it could be another person with Aspergers. Or it could be a coincedence. You never know.
[i]THE GIRL IN THE CLOSET... A YOUNG WOMAN WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND HER ONGOING JOURNEY TO COPE WITH HER DISABILITY AND FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD.
CHARACTERS YOU'LL MEET ALONG THE WAY: Angel (author of the blog) Age 25. and has Asperger's Syndrome.
Caroline, Angel's best friend.
Johnny, Caroline's husband and Angel's other best friend.
Alexander, Caroline's 7-year-old son and Angel's "nephew".
Codie, Caroline's baby daughter and Angel's "niece"[/i]
HERE IT GOES...
I have a dream. I want to be a mother.
Not just any mother. Specifically, I want to be a foster mother, and/or an adoptive mother.
After living the life I've lived, and seeing the kinds of things little kids are subjected to, I want to save them all. I want to save Caroline's little nephew, who I held in my arms and fed and rocked and diapered all night when he was only 5 days old, who is now in a foster home with two of his three younger brothers because his mother severely neglected him.
I want to save Mandy and Sarah-Jo, two little girls I got to know and love when their mom used to bring them to the crackhouse where I was staying at the time, who I took care of regularly until they, too, disappeared into foster care.
I want to save them all.
Right now I can't because I don't even have a place to live. To be a foster parent or adoptive parent, you have to have at least an apartment with two bedrooms. And I don't even have a single room of my own.
But I do have plans. BIG plans! I want to take this year to get my associate's degree, and then go on to pursue my bachelor's degree to be a special education teacher. And I want to live on a farm. It will be a therapeutic farm, where the animals will never be killed. They will be raised by me and my children, to help the children learn to love and be loved.
Before I get the farm and everything, though, I assume I'll start out small, living perhaps as a single mother in a two-bedroom apartment with one or two children.
It is my dream. I want it more than anything.
And I know, when the time comes, there will be people supporting me and backing me up. I know that the people I worked with for the past 3 yeasrs, my co-workers who became like friends and family to me, will tell any interested people that I've done a great job as a teacher's aide, that I've overcome huge obstacles in life, and that I truly do love kids.
I know Caroline and Johnny and even Caroline's mom will tell them that I've helped raise Alexander and Codie, and that I've always loved them with all my heart.
I know my aunt will tell them how much my little cousins love me.
But what if my parents tell them my deepest, best-kept secrets? What if they reveal to the social workers, or whoever it is who decides whether you are good enough to be a foster parent, that I still have a teddybear that I cannot and never will part with? That I cry easily and hate changes in my life? That I am sometimes afraid to make phone calls because I don't like talking to people? That I have a nightlight in my bedroom in case I have bad dreams? That I order McDonald's Happy Meals for myself to eat?
That they don't like me to live alone? That I sometimes make poor choices... like when I had to choose to either live with my mom or my older brother, I chose my brother, and ended up living in a closet in a crackhouse and letting my brother spend all my money on drugs?
That when they talk to me, the conversations sound more like an adult talking to a child than like two adults speaking on the same level?
What if the social workers decide I will always be a child, and will never be fit to be a mother?
[i]THE GIRL IN THE CLOSET... A YOUNG WOMAN WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND HER ONGOING JOURNEY TO COPE WITH HER DISABILITY AND FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD.
CHARACTERS YOU'LL MEET ALONG THE WAY: Angel (author of the blog) Age 25. and has Asperger's Syndrome.
Caroline, Angel's best friend.
Johnny, Caroline's husband and Angel's other best friend.
Alexander, Caroline's 7-year-old son and Angel's "nephew".
Codie, Caroline's baby daughter and Angel's "niece"[/i]
HERE IT GOES...
I was still sick last night so I didn't go to Home of the Sparrow, which is where I usually spend Thursday evenings. But even though I didn't go, I wanted to tell you about it anyway!
Home of the Sparrow is a residential shelter for women and children in the suburbs of Chicago. I was actually on the waiting list to stay there, when I was homeless, but the waiting list is pretty long so I had found another place to stay before my name ever came up on the list. I wanted to start volunteering there because I love spending time with little kids, and when I was homeless I always helped take care of all the little kids wherever I was staying.
The first time I was going to go there, I was very very very very very nervous because new experiences are very hard for me. I was tempted to just not show up, even though I'd gone through all the trouble of doing all the paperwork and attending the orientation meeting.
But then I remembered something my brother's old girlfriend said about me once. Her name was Shorty and she was a crack addict, and I was staying at her apartment at the time with my older brother. Everyone else who went there would be smoking rock. I was the only sober one there, except sometimes for the drug dealers. One day someone asked Shorty why I didn't smoke rock with everyone else. Shorty told them, "Angel is just an individual who tries to live life to it's fullest."
I guess all she meant by that is that I don't give up my life to drugs, but when I thought about it I decided that I really DID want to try to live life to the fullest. To take risks, and put myself out there to experience life, instead of using Asperger's Syndrome as an excuse to stay inside all the time.
I have a lot of fun at Home of the Sparrow. Right now there are only about five kids living there: Two 7-year-olds, a 5-year-old, a 3-year-old and a 2-year-old.
Since the weather has been nice, we spend just about every Thursday evening in the backyard. Usually there are about 3 other volunteers besides me. The older kids like to play soccer a lot. I tend to spend a lot of my time with the 3-year-old, who also has mild autism (PDD I think.) She is really wild and one time I had to rescue her from jumping off the top of the swing set. It is a lot of fun.
I really miss the kids since I haven't been there in a while. Plus I am going to California next week, so I won't actually go to Home of the Sparrow until August. I think I will send each of the kids a postcard from California.
[i]THE GIRL IN THE CLOSET... A YOUNG WOMAN WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND HER ONGOING JOURNEY TO COPE WITH HER DISABILITY AND FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD.
CHARACTERS YOU'LL MEET ALONG THE WAY: Angel (author of the blog) Age 25. and has Asperger's Syndrome.
Caroline, Angel's best friend.
Johnny, Caroline's husband and Angel's other best friend.
Alexander, Caroline's 7-year-old son and Angel's "nephew".
Codie, Caroline's baby daughter and Angel's "niece"[/i]
HERE IT GOES...
I am still home sick today and nothing new has happened , so I wanted to write about my teddybear, Chumbawamba. I've always loved stuffed animals. When I was growing up, I was rarely without a stuffed animal in my arms, and I had tons of them. I gave many of them names and I talked to them, truly believing they could hear me and that they loved me. I mean, well into highschool. I've always had a habit of getting attached to objects! When I was 18 years old, I was homeless, living on the streets, due to problems at home that made it impossible for me to live there. I've heard that kids with Asperger's Syndrome, especially up to the age 19, are emotionally 2/3 their chronological age. So I guess I had the mentality of a twelve year old, at best. I used to stay at this overnight shelter called PADS. All the older homeless people were very nice to me, and never looked at me strangely the way I was used to. They all had their own problems, so they were able to accept me exactly as I was. They all looked after me, in their own ways, and I was hardly ever afraid in the shelter, even though we had to move to a new place each night and it was always noisy and crowded. This one husband and wife, at Christmas, were the ones who gave me a teddybear. The bear was brown and furry and had a Christmas hat on and a Christmas bow on his neck. I named him Chumbawamba, after my favorite musical band at the time that sang the song, "I get knocked down! But I get up again! You're never gonna keep me down!" From then on, Chumba was with me at every moment. I slept with him in my arms at the shelter, and carried him with me during the days when we had to be outside until the shelter opened again. Nobody there ever made fun of me for having a Chumba. They seemed to understand. It was only when I went to my parents' house for visits that they hinted that they thought I was having a "psychotic episode" because I was 18 and carried a teddybear with me. Chumba was with me when I started traveling with a group of ex-gangbangers who took me under their collective wing and let me stay in motels with them. He was with me, comforting me, when I witnessed the violence, addictions and drama that these young adults lived with. Chumba was with me when I eventually left this group, deciding to forge out on my own and live on the streets of Naperville, a town that I'd decided I wanted to live in even though there were no other homeless people and no shelter there. At night I would sleep on a bench by the river, or in an alley, and Chumba was my pillow as well as my companion and protector. When I tried staying in a religious mission in Aurora, Chumba was with me. When I moved on to a new town with a new overnight shelter, Chumba was with me. When I moved into a group home for homeless teenagers, Chumba was there. When I moved in with my brother and his girlfriend in an apartment, I had Chumba. When we got evicted and I had to go to another homeless shelter, I was still clinging to Chumba. When I got my first apartment, and spent the first week sleeping on the floor with no electricity, Chumba kept me from being afraid and lonely. When I got my first "real" job in a daycare center, Chumba was hidden in my backpack, silently comforting me and giving me confidence. When I moved on my own to Colorado, Chumba helped me fight my homesickness. When, back in Illinois, I became homeless again and was sleeping in crackhouses with my older brother, Chumba was my fearless protector. When I took the Greyhound all the way to California to see my younger brother, Chumba was snuggled in my arms.
Chumba, as you probably know, is a ragged mess now. He has survived being attacked by my pet cat, being thrown in a motel hot tub by my older brother, and being "borrowed" by various little kids. His hat has long since fallen off, as did the bow around his neck.
But last night, I decided to rejuvinate my Chumba. First I gave him new stuffing, pushing the cotton in through a hole in his neck, until he looked like he'd grown a few inches. Then my mom sewed his neck up for me, since my hands shake too much to hold a needle. My mom showed me how to scrub Chumba's fur with a scrub brush dipped in warm water and laundry detergent, and the Chumba got rinsed off and sent, in a pillowcase, through the clothes dryer. Finally I took a soft brush, which is supposed to be for my cat but my cat never lets me brush him with it, and I spent hours trying to brush Chumba's matted fur until he looked much fluffier. Just as soon as I get over being sick, I'm going to go to the Build-a-bear store and get him a new hat and bow. He smells so clean now, and I swear he looks happier. His eyes are sparkling! He's ready for another decade of helping his Aspie companion (me) fight her way through life.
THE GIRL IN THE CLOSET... A YOUNG WOMAN WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND HER ONGOING JOURNEY TO COPE WITH HER DISABILITY AND FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD.
CHARACTERS YOU'LL MEET ALONG THE WAY: Angel (author of the blog) Age 25. and has Asperger's Syndrome.
Caroline, Angel's best friend.
Johnny, Caroline's husband and Angel's other best friend.
Alexander, Caroline's 7-year-old son and Angel's "nephew".
Codie, Caroline's baby daughter and Angel's "niece"
HERE IT GOES...
I am sick today so this post will be short. I must have caught something from Caroline and Codie cause they were sick while I was there over the weekend. I hate being sick! I cannot procede with my everyday life while sick, like some people can. I have to shut down completely. Abandon ship! System overload! Do not pass go! So today I will spend the day looking at TV and using the computer, and swallowing pain killers at intervals. I also can't really take any sort of over-the-counter medicine because first of all it tastes so horrible I gag, second of all it knocks me on my ass for at least 48 hours. Sometimes I take the kind meant for kids, like Dimetapp. Mmmm, Dimetap! Tasty!
But there's no Dimetap in the house right now, and I am not about to walk up to the store in the rain to get some. So Tylenol it is!
That's all I got to say for now. Time to take a short eleven-minute rest!
THE GIRL IN THE CLOSET... A YOUNG WOMAN WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND HER ONGOING JOURNEY TO COPE WITH HER DISABILITY AND FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD.
CHARACTERS YOU'LL MEET ALONG THE WAY: Angel (author of the blog) Age 25. and has Asperger's Syndrome.
Caroline, Angel's best friend.
Johnny, Caroline's husband and Angel's other best friend.
Alexander, Caroline's 7-year-old son and Angel's "nephew".
Codie, Caroline's baby daughter and Angel's "niece"
HERE IT GOES...
Yesterday everyone was angry and yelling all day. Caroline had her sisters come over, plus the grandson of a co-worker, and Alexander's friend form across the street, so the house was full of kids, and Caroline was sick with bronchitis and was mad t everyone all day. Mostly it makes me nervous as hell. Johnny stayed outside in the yard chopping wood all day, so that didn't help. One time I was in the living room with the kids watching "Problem Child" on TV, and none of us heard the baby wake up, and Caroline was mad that we didn't get her, and then a minute later she was yelling out to Johnny, "Johnny, can you please come help me, because the baby is up and nobody's helping!" And it was just weird because I always try to help with the baby and with everything else, but I really didn't hear the baby crying, and if Caroline had said, "Angel can you get Codie" then I would have been happy to get her cause I love Codie too.
Then when Caroline is mad then I feel like I can't do nothing right, because I get nervous and I get so clumsy. Like when Codie threw up on herself and then I got Codie and was trying to wipe the puke off her with a paper towel while Caroline wiped it off the floor, and then I tried to bring Codie over to play with her toys but Caroline said she still had to mop the floor there and it sounded like she was angry at me for sitting there. So I tried to get up real fast and I accidentally knelt on the baby's foot and Codie started crying really hard and I could just feel Caroline wanting to kill me, so I tried to comfort the baby and went outside with her but then was afraid Caroline would be mad at me for taking the baby outside so I went back inside, and Caroline was yelling at Johnny. I was so nervous I could hardly move. So finally I decided to leave and go back to my mom's house right away. I went and said good-bye to all the kids and to Johnny and then I went home and I was crying on the way home. I don't know exactly why.
I get so nervous when anyone is arguing or mad. I hate it. I am a peacekeeper. Part of it is because when people are mad, first of all I am always sure they are mad at me or mad because of something that I did, and second of all I am sure that if they are mad they must also hate me and never want to see me again. I've been told by all sorts of social workers and everyone else that this isn't true and that everyone argues and all that. But it is hard for me to believe it!
Now I am at my mom's house and will probably stay here for at least 3 or 4 days. On the weekend I usually go back to Caroline's, but I will be too scared to go unless she calls me.
[b]THE GIRL IN THE CLOSET...[/b] A YOUNG WOMAN WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND HER ONGOING JOURNEY TO COPE WITH HER DISABILITY AND FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD.
[i]CHARACTERS YOU'LL MEET ALONG THE WAY: Angel (author of the blog) Age 25. and has Asperger's Syndrome.
Caroline, Angel's best friend.
Johnny, Caroline's husband and Angel's other best friend.
Alexander, Caroline's 7-year-old son and Angel's "nephew".
Codie, Caroline's baby daughter and Angel's "niece"[/i]
HERE IT GOES...
The Fourth of July is my favorite holiday! Today Caroline and Johnny and the kids and I went to Caroline's mom's house, and we went to the carnival. Caroline and her mom didn't go to the carnival though. Johnny and I took Alexander and also Caroline's little sisters Sally and Mary. We all got those wristbands that say you can go on as many rides as you want until five o'clock. Caroline's mom gave us walky-talkies and we split into two groups. I went with Sally, and Johnny took Alexander and Mary.
Me and Sally went on every ride about thirty times. Sally's favorite is the Grav-i-tron, which is the one where you're supposed to lean against the wall and the room spins so fast that you stick to the wall and then they lift up the wall and you don't fall down. Usually that is one of my favorite rides too... but this particular Grav-i-tron was going so fast, I couldn't really even enjoy it. It was actually sort of physically painful because it felt like my eyeballs and tonsils were being sucked inside my skull! As the day went on, we kept going on it (because Sally wanted to) and I think the guy was making it faster and faster each time. By the final time we rode, the thing was going so fast, it was shaking back and forth!
My favorite ride was the one called the 1001. It is a little bit like the one where you sit in a boat and it swings in a full circle so when you get to the top you're upside-down. Except on this ride, you're sitting like a theater audience, and it swings the whole thing around but keeps you sitting upright, not flipping upside down. That is good because I never liked the boat one. But I love the 1001 one! I could have stayed on it for a thousand years and never got sick.
Other rides we went on were the Tornado, which is like the Octopus except not as fast. And the Underdraft, which is more like the usual Octopus. And the Hurricane, which is like the Underdraft except it stays on the ground instead of going in the air. Also the Yo-Yo, which is where you sit in a swing. (I don't like that one because you can actually crash into the swing in front of you!) IT was a small carnival. There was no ferris wheel and no rock-a-bye. There was bungee jumping but it costed $5.00 extra so we didn't go.
Mary and Alexander ended up getting sick and going home after only four rides, so Johnny spent the rest of the time with us. Then he ended up getting sick too. Later, after we ate snowcones, Sally started feeling sick. I was the only one who didn't feel sick at all!
When night came we also went to the fireworks, which were very cool, and I always love fireworks even though they are way too loud. I don't like them when they are out of the blue, like when someone nearby is shooting them out of their yard, because they always startle me and give me about ten heart attacks. But I like the 4th of July ones. Only the little kids all got bored about halfway through and wanted to go home!
[b]THE GIRL IN THE CLOSET...[/b] A YOUNG WOMAN WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND HER ONGOING JOURNEY TO COPE WITH HER DISABILITY AND FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD.
[i]CHARACTERS YOU'LL MEET ALONG THE WAY: Angel (author of the blog) Age 25. and has Asperger's Syndrome.
Caroline, Angel's best friend.
Johnny, Caroline's husband and Angel's other best friend.
Alexander, Caroline's 7-year-old son and Angel's "nephew".
Codie, Caroline's baby daughter and Angel's "niece"[/i]
HERE IT GOES...
I was supposed to go camping Thursday night with Caroline, Johnny, and my niece and nephew. I had been looking forward to it all week! Because I LOVE camping.
The camping place was only about twenty minutes from the house, so it wasn't a big deal or anything. The problem happened because while Caroline was at work, she wanted Johnny and me to do all the shopping and get everything ready for the camping, and to go up to the campsite and set it up, so when she got done with work and came there, everything would be ready. But we got a late start on getting things ready, due to that neither Johnny or I or great problem solvers and common sense often fails us. It took forever and ever and ever to do everything, and by the time it was 5:00 Caroline called my cellphone and Johnny told her that we'd just gotten out of Wal-Mart and things weren't all ready yet. So Caroline got really mad. She told Johnny that we should go back to the house and wait for her. Then when we got back to the house, she called again, and was having a huge argument with Johnny over the phone, and when Johnny hung up he was like, "We're not going. Caroline doesn't want to go." Me and my nephew were watching cartoons on the TV when Johnny told us this. I sort of didn't believe Johnny because he lies a lot, only he calls it joking.
Anyway Johnny told me to go in my car to pick up my nephew's friend Tyrone, who was supposed to be going camping with us. I took my nephew with me to get him. While we were at Tyrone's house waiting for him to get ready, Caroline called my cell phone again and told me not to leave the house until she got there. I asked, "Are we still going camping?" She said "No," and then started hollering at me that she didn't know what me and Johnny thought we were gonna do and why it was taking so long and everything else.
One thing about me is I can't stand for nobody to be mad at me. It breaks my heart when people yell at me. It really does. I can't ever rationalize it or anything, if someone is talking angrily at me I just assume the world is over and the person hates my guts and whatnot. So I was just about to cry, as I hung up. But I held it in, because I didn't want the little kids to see me crying.
Then when we got back to the house, I walked in and told Johnny, "Old girl called again." He asked what she had said to me. I told him, "She just said we're not going, and then she started being mad at me..." and then I couldn't finish my sentence because I had to burry my head in a pillow cause I was sobbing and I was embarassed. Johnny started trying to calm me down and make me feel better, but he was real mad at Caroline so all he was saying was stuff like, "Well, Caroline is a bitch anyway, don't you see? Don't let it bother you." And that didn't help me none cause I didn't want nobody mad at me and I wanted to go camping. And Johnny said me and him could go by ourselves, but I wanted Alexander and Tyrone to come too, and I knew Caroline wouldn't let them go if she wasn't going.
Finally Caroline came home and was not saying much to me, but was shouting at Johnny and shouting at him and shouting at him and shouting at him. So he was getting his stuff and walking out. She told him to take all the camping stuff out of my car before he left, but he left without doing that, and she got even madder. So I went out and started cleaning out my own car after that, and I was planning to just get in my car and get out of there as soon as I got the car cleaned out, and I was almost sure I would never see Caroline or the kids again.
But then Caroline came out and told me to wait because the kids were really upset and wanted to go camping, so she was gonna go find Johnny and tell him to come back.
And finally we really did go camping. It was hella fun. Even though the baby got sick that night and puked in Johnny's ear, and later a raccoon wouldn't leave us alone.
Love, Angel :P
What Is Asperger's Syndrome Anyway? (July 1, 2004)
ASPERGER'S SYNDROME is when you really like the people you work with, but you sit alone and read during your lunch hour and read a book or play a Gameboy, and sort of hope nobody sits down by you because you want to rest during your break and trying to hold up a conversation is sort of stressful.
ASPERGER'S SYNDROME is when you want to get invited to a party because it sounds exciting, but when you do get invited and you go there, you spend most of the time sitting alone nursing your drink, and maybe having conversations with people if they come up to you, but even that is sort of difficult because the music is so loud that you can't think about anything else but the loudness in your ears, so mostly you just sit and watch everyone else dance and talk. And then some people try to get you up on the dance floor, but you get so nervous, you actually cling to your seat for dear life, until an older, more sympathetic person tells the others to just let you be. And in the end you sort of think the party was fun, at least it was nice to be around all the people you know and to watch them having fun, but now people think you're a party-pooper and will probably not invite you out again.
ASPERGER'S SYNDROME is when someone is telling a story to some little kids, just trying to trick them for the fun of it. Maybe Abraham Lincoln was their second cousin, or something. And you look at them and say, "Seriously?" fully believing the story that even the little kids are rolling their eyes at.
ASPERGER'S SYNDROME is when it took you the first twenty-one years of your life to be able to easily order and pay for food at McDonalds (and you've just recently mustered the confidence to go through the drive-through) or to go through a checkout line at the store.... and when you do go through the checkout line, you look for just the right cashier... someone older than you is better, because you still don't trust people your age or younger and are afraid they'll look at you funny, give you that "Oh-my-Gawd" look you know so well. You'll stand in line twice as long for a grandmotherly looking cashier who is kind to the bagger who has Down's Syndrome and will certainly be kind to you.
ASPERGER'S SYNDROME is when, even though you are an adult, when you go out for dinner your motherhas to whisper to you, "Quit fidgeting, it looks funny", or "Don't play with your hair at the table, that's disgusting," and she is mildly embarassed to introduce you to her friends at work.
ASPERGER'S SYNDROME is when you are always mispronouncing or misusing words or using outdated slangs, especially ones you only know from reading them in books and have never actually heard spoken.
ASPERGER'S SYNDROME is when you cannot, for the life of you, figure out this "human" thing... People just don't make much sense to you... and ever since you were a kid, you've always wondered if maybe you are an alien.
[b]THE GIRL IN THE CLOSET...[/b] A YOUNG WOMAN WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND HER ONGOING JOURNEY TO COPE WITH HER DISABILITY AND FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD.
[i]CHARACTERS YOU'LL MEET ALONG THE WAY: Angel (author of the blog) Age 25. and has Asperger's Syndrome.
Caroline, Angel's best friend.
Johnny, Caroline's husband and Angel's other best friend.
Alexander, Caroline's 7-year-old son and Angel's "nephew".
Codie, Caroline's baby daughter and Angel's "niece"[/i]
HERE IT GOES...
Once not long ago I was posting on a message board because I'd recently gone to a festival and met all these people for the first time, and I had been writing about how at first I'd felt out-of-place the way I generally always feel in new places, and I was explaining about Asperger's Syndrome to them. Someone wrote these words of wisdom back to me:
different than anybody else." Forest Gump's Mother.
I gotta tell you... l) Normal people are BORING... and seldom trust worthy. (to y'all... if you think you are normal and we are friends? You probably are not as "normal" as you think...)
2) People are seldom watching you and perceiving you... and this is the non-specific, UNIVERSAL "you" I am using here... as much as you think. And do you know why? Because they are sitting there FREAKING OUT inside their own heads. "Do they think I am a dork? Was that a stupid thing to say? What if someone asks me a question? Is my nose hair showing? Do they know I forgot to wash my "__________" this morning?" When people are busy beating themselves up inside they don't have a lot of time to wonder what kind of freak or dork someone else is.... (I figured that out when I was "experimenting" with hallucinogenics.... No one knows you are tripping if you don't tell them.... unless they are tripping too. It is an old tripper truism.) No. I am not an OLD tripper.
3) Your spirit chose to be in this game in this place at this time. You-- as an eternal soul-- paid the price of admission. You are here until you are not here anymore so you might as well make the best of it. Enjoy life. And remember--- if you aren't playing the game you are just an obstacle on the course.
4) IF you are a freak, welcome home. WE are FREAKS... I mean-- Geez... did you get a look at Reggie? AND WHO DOESN'T LOVE REGGIE? (Point 'em out to me and I will kick their ego right in the tuckus....) WELCOME HOME, LITTLE SISTER...
And remember, when you feel as though you can't stay where you are one more minute just click your heels together three times and say.....
" THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME.... THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME. THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME......."
Love, C........
P.S. " If you think someone is normal, you don't know them very well." Walter Winchell.
I wrote back and told her I wanted to print out her words of kindness and paste them on my brain!
[b]THE GIRL IN THE CLOSET...[/b] A YOUNG WOMAN WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND HER ONGOING JOURNEY TO COPE WITH HER DISABILITY AND FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD.
[i]CHARACTERS YOU'LL MEET ALONG THE WAY: Angel (author of the blog) Age 25. and has Asperger's Syndrome.
Caroline, Angel's best friend.
Johnny, Caroline's husband and Angel's other best friend.
Alexander, Caroline's 7-year-old son and Angel's "nephew".
Codie, Caroline's baby daughter and Angel's "niece"[/i]
HERE IT GOES...
Hi! Last time I wrote, I was sad because the whole household had gone out to dinner and I wasn't invited... but everything turned out to be, as usual, just a misunderstanding. They brought me home lots of leftover food to eat. The problem was, I could have gone, but I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to go or not so I was just sitting around waiting while everyone else was getting ready, and everyone assumed I just wasn't planning to go. When Caroline got home she told me, "It wasn't anything personal on you." So that made me feel better. Yesterday we went to Caroline's mom's house and played with the puppies. We are going to bring one of the puppies home soon. It's name will be Clover. My nephew Alexander is really excited and is counting down the days. We're really not sure what day the puppy will be coming home, so my sister just keeps telling him a random number. I think yesterday the number was "8". Clover was trying to chew on my shoe, and my shoe was bigger than her! I also jumped on the trampoline with the little kids and Johnny. I don't like when he is on the trampoline because he thinks its fun to go right up to me and jump very hard so you fall down. Luckily there is one of those mesh cages around the whole trampoline, so you can't fall out. Otherwise we all would have gotten about fifty broken arms and legs! I am at my mom's house now, but for the 4th of July will be back there. We are camping out on Thursday night, and then we will be at the carnival for the weekend! Next week I am going to take my nephew to Santa's Village, just the two of us. Caroline says I shouldn't worry about not really being related to the family. She said in the car one day she was talking with my nephew, and he was asking questions about how everyone was related to each other, and he couldn't fathom how I wasn't related to him by blood. She says to him I'm just a natural part of the family since I've been around for as long as he can remember. And of course the baby doesn't really understand, but she loves me too so I guess she just sort of assumes I'm supposed to be there! That makes me feel better!
[b]THE GIRL IN THE CLOSET...[/b] A YOUNG WOMAN WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND HER ONGOING JOURNEY TO COPE WITH HER DISABILITY AND FIND A PLACE IN THE WORLD.
[i]CHARACTERS YOU'LL MEET ALONG THE WAY: Angel (author of the blog) Age 25. and has Asperger's Syndrome.
Caroline, Angel's best friend.
Johnny, Caroline's husband and Angel's other best friend.
Alexander, Caroline's 7-year-old son and Angel's "nephew".
Codie, Caroline's baby daughter and Angel's "niece"[/i]
HERE IT GOES... This entry will be short as I am writing it sitting on the bedroom floor at Caroline's house. I live with my parents but I generally come here on the weekends to get away. But right now Caroline has gone, with her psuedo-ex-husband Johnny, her two kids, Johnny's brother and the brother's girlfriend, out to dinner at a fancy restaurant with Johnny's parents. I am not invited. Usually they include me, considering me to be basically family because I've actually known Johnny longer than Caroline has and used to be his best friend before. But this time they left without me. I was afraid to ask why. Was it because they were going to a fancy Italian restaurant, and Johnny's parents had specifically told Caroline to dress up, and I had nothing with me but sweat pants and a T-shirt? Or because I really, realistically, am not family to them? Anyway they have promised to bring me home something.
I am lonely! I feel like a forgotten pet dog! I sat on the couch and watched them all get ready to go, and nobody said nothing to me. I tried to look in good spirits and just act nonchalant, like OFCOURSE I was not going to go, why would I even WANT to? Because when I get sad about that sort of thing, Caroline feels bad for me for a while but then gets impatient and angry. When Johnny is out doing drugs, I always try to help her, and I love her kids like they were my own... but of course they are not. Nothing is. Does this entry sound sad and lost? Caroline is my best friend in the world. She's like my sister. I have a habit of making those closest to me into psuedo-family, since I don't have much to speak of. People always say is that family is the people you love, not necessarily those connected to you by blood or marriage. But in instances like these, it hits me... it kills me to have to face it... but blood really does seem to be thicker than water.
College
